Used? I thought we were FRIENDS
I'm BACK AND FABULOUS!
Hey guys, A Girl with a Plan here. OMG, it is been a year or more since I last wrote a post. The reason for that is that I've taken some time off to see how life flows and to do some deep soul searching. In 2017 and 2018, I was lost and I needed to find my way back to my goal.
A lot has happened since I wrote Dear Love. I got a scholarship to do my masters which I'm halfway done by now; I have a new pet called Aidan Elijah, he is so smart; I had a shitty ass job which I quit, reasons for why I did it well it will come in another post. Yes, a lot has happened.
BACK TO BUSINESS
So for the title of this post, you might see where this is going but is not quite like it. I'm trying to come to peace to a couple of things life threw at me this year. I'm not throwing shade to no one just telling my side of the story.
Since I was a kid, I knew I was like no other. I was so creative, imaginative, impulsive, so scared to be left out. That is why a did so many things to fit in school, college, grad school, even work. It didn't matter if afterward, I would feel bad about it. Which got me now to the point in which I don't really know who I am.
I know what I'm made of, what I can do for others, but what I don't know is what I can do for me.
DRAMALICIOUS
Going to grad school and fitting in with everyone is really hard never knew how hard until I had the chance to experience it. It is a real race to know who is better and who can do it until the end. But how to make friends in this kind of environment?
Because of my OCD, I'm pretty socially awkward. I overthink things too much. Putting that aside, if people didn't know I was fine. And that was how I made a couple of friends. What I never foresee was that what I thought was friendship; it was a transactional, fake, and bad relationship. People can be really mean to your face, but they are real assholes to your back.
This starts with me making a great connection with this guy, we did everything together, I even slept over at his place just to finish up with all our deliverables from school. I was always available to help him out not get lost with translation. All that change when he decided to make a racist joke. I was gutted, disappointed, and feeling like a misfit all over again. So I decide to take a distance and started hanging out with this other guy I really thought was cute, but he was just a shy.
DOWNFALL
I did everything just to fit in. I knew at the back of my head that what I letting him do was use me for better grades, but I was in denial. Although I can be a great leader I just hate doing it because it undertakes great amount of stress, and sometimes I'm not able to handle it. Feeling the pressure of having a scholarship and trying to keep good grades, and overall carrying a complete group of not so responsible professionals. It was killing me, I felt I was losing it. And it happened. I started being more aggressive, more strict with everything we had to do for class. It was my responsibility to give all members good grades.
I lost focus, lost my north. That was when the downfall began. I fought a lot with this individual I last mentioned because he just turns out to be a monster that can actually release all the bad in me. I always thought I could fix it, but every time I tried it turned out to be worst. I failed, and let him win.
After that huge fight we had. We tried to fix things; naive I was to think it was the end, it was just starting. This person started putting everyone against me and achieved the goal. I'm back to being the misfit again, I'm back to being the one that no one likes. He took everything, every friendship, even his. People tell me that maybe is for the best, but if so best why do I feel worst.
WHAT DO I THINK?
Yes, in less than a year I lost several friends because I was the only one committed to the friendship everyone else was just involved and focused on what I had to offer that would work for their personal gain. Although I've been working so hard to be at my best these past years. It gets harder every time around. Probably this person was right when he said I had a problem and had to be checked out. There's a big possibility too that he is so insecure and by doing or acting this way is how he feels he has the power to make people feel this way.
THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
It is always greener. There will always be someone that will want to take advantage of you, and when you start resisting that is when all the bad starts spiraling in. My advice to you who might be in a similar situation is that:
Never give up! There might be tons of mean and user people out there, but that same way you will have a large number of people who will love for you without asking nothing in exchange.
Don't lose hope! Every time we get let down by someone is a huge take on us. We stop trusting, we stop believing. Remember you have that power to control how what they do affects you. Never let them tell is eating you up, keep a straight face, and get back at it.
You can't always be nice. That's how people take advantage of you. Sometimes you have to set boundaries.
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