Emotional Bullying

Hey guys! I missed you tons, but most of you guys know I've been giving some love to the new segments of this blog that is Makeup on a Budget. Which is a series of videos featuring different makeup ideas using great products without breaking the piggy.

You know that this year I've been trying different things when it comes to myself and how I deal with life and etc. This timing I will be talking about bullying. I know most of you'd seen this popular series on Netflix called 13 Reasons Why. At first, I would not l lie I was not into it because, for me, it was too shallow when it came to creating awareness about suicide and bullying. Season 2, has its flaws too but it really shows a different side of every story. That gave me the right inspiration to write this post about how I overcame bullying and depression. Like I told you guys since I started writing this blog, I'm coming clean about my life, hoping that all my experiences and challenges can help overcome yours. You know that I'm Panamanian, a black latina woman. Bullying is not as common in Panama because we latino people are crazy as fuck and if we ever get bothered there will be fists thrown everywhere (my Latino people know what I'm talking 'bout). I just think I never reacted like that because I've always been a different type of person. Don't worry there are no tapes this time. XD.

So it goes like this... 

As a kid, I was really shy and quiet. I really only talked to my sister about everything. When I was in the first and second grade I was pretty much the outcast. I was one of the two black girls in the classroom so getting picked on because of my hair and skin color was pretty common. Until I became friends with this girl, she was one of the popular girls, everyone thought she was the prettiest of course. So we became close friends and we ate together, we did pretty much everything together. Note that it was hard for me to even make friends so this one friend I had was great. Until the relationship started getting toxic. I've always been the honor roll type of kid, where I'm going with this is that my friend start asking for my homework and even answers to tests and if I ever decided to tell her no, she was going to tell all kids in class my secrets or lift my skirt in front of the guys. Yes, I was in second grade an I was blackmailed by who I thought was my friend.

Starting third-grade was hard I started in a new group, so making friends was a challenge again. One day I was waiting to get picked up and I saw this girl in from my class sitting near the stairs. I went and sit next to her and started talking about school. We became friends instantly, but what was that for. Really? That was pretty much the beginning of the end. I remember almost trying to fit in with her group of friends but always considered an outsider; I wasn't invited to many birthday parties either. The delight of this one friend was when she got mad at me she just asked her other friends to stop talking to me and did so. Elementary school sucks. Fourth-grade was the same shit so I'm just going to skip it.

When I went to fifth-grade things got harder in my life, my mom was pregnant with my little sister, and my dad just decided to leave without no explanation. Without knowing what depression was at that age, I can tell you now that I was depressed as a youngster. I had one friend that could understand what I was going through. And yes, the bullying went to a higher level. I was called shit face because of my skin color and even bothered me for not having the new school uniform. There were this set of twins in my class that made it their life purpose to pick on for everything I did and all the class you tagged and laughed of me. That was the first time I told my best friend at the time I wanted to commit suicide. I couldn't deal with all the problems at home and at school. It was a lot for a kid my age. Sixth-Grade was beastly. I had a diary and my supposed friends stole it from me and started spreading all my secrets around the school and that was how everybody knew my dad left. They made that a reason to bother me.

My worst mistake at that age was falling in love with this amazing and smart guy in my class without know that the friend I made when I was in third-grade was in love with him too. She made her personal vendetta to fuck with me. So I couldn't even talk to this guy without losing every friend I've ever made. My reputation was a mess, she made it personal so she told this guy mean stuff about me. So by then, I was called a different kind of shit every day. Finishing elementary school, I thought it was coming to an end all the shit I was put through. Naive me.

I started middle school with a positive attitude, of course, I always tried to sidetrack everything going on home. Yes, but that was still not it, they were not going to stop. I turned thirteen and invited who I thought were my friends and the guy I still liked since sixth-grade. What I didn't know was that they had planned a prank they were going to tell everybody when they came back to school on Monday. What was all of this about well making the guy I liked to tell he liked me back and he wanted to date me. And yes, I believed it. Monday morning was crazy because they all started talking about and laughing. I got really mad and I had kind of anxiety attack. I never thought about the consequences I just want to hit her so chase her but never did it. After that scene and getting punished for it, that rumors starting running around. One of them was I went to lant to the last floor and tried to jump, other was that I cut my wrists in front of the school principal. I've gained a new nickname... The crazy bitch. I went from having a few friends to having none. 

Until this one day, I made a friend. This girl was so fun we did everything together, and that was the first time I went to someone's house to study. Her mom was lovely. One day her mom call my house to ask what grade I got in the math test, of course, I told her, and then she asked me what grade her daughter got, I lied and told I didn't know. The next day I went to school and when I enter the classroom, I heard whispering. Nobody actually talked to me that day because that girl allegedly told everyone that her mom cut her hair because I told her mom she failed the math test. That everyone hated me. I fake in sick the next following days.

Yes, that wasn't enough for them there was this girl that kinda thought I was a whore or something that gave strange old guys my number. In eight-grade this crazy girl pulled me from the ponytail and hit me in the face because we liked the same guy.

Nineth-grade, I found my area, the place I belong. I just discovered that there are other people like me who go through similar things. It became a coping mechanism. I learned how to understand my feelings and how not to care about the noice outside.

By this time, I can't believe I am talking about this for the first time, but it was the first time I learned about the dangers of the outer world. When I was 14, I was sexually harassed and bullied by my karate teacher. I was terrorized by this man and threatened to been harmed if I talked about it to any adult. At that age I knew it was not appropriate everything what was happening, but this person just blamed me inciting him to be like that with me. I didn't understood at that age that he was just manipulating me into trusting that everything he did was my fault. How got away from that is a no other story. The only reality is that justice was never served because this person was part of law enforcement and everything was set as hearsay.

So Now as an adult...

It's been hard to give in to the pressures of the world and society. Everyone is expecting something from you. Love expects you to be submissive and never say no to a future together. Profession expects you to work the longest of hours for a small amount of money. Family expects you to never leave and always be grateful because you owe them a lifetime.

If you see from a different point of view you are always getting picked on. What have worked for me is to be resilient and just trust the mercy of God. Even when times get rough and people just give you the hardest of times, He is the only one that never bails. That's my only source of hope and survival.

Yours truly,

Maria